The Perfect Plan
by dappledsunlight
Summary: A total crackfic spawned from a friend’s and mine extreme hatred of one Jacob Black. What we think the next chapter of Breaking Dawn should be like. WARNING: Extreme Jacob-bashing, character death etc. etc. Remember folks this is a PARODY!
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **

**Hello Twilight-fanfiction readers. i'm new to this genre (ooh fancy word) of fanfiction and so maybe this isn't accepted here. If so I'm so, so sorry. Let's say you may never see Twilight in the same way again. This will essetially be a two-shot. I'll make you wait a couple of days for the sequel. This was, as before mentioned, spawned from from the wild, milo-induced brains of my friend Jess and I. Her profile is SinkFish where she has a prolific number of Prison Break fanfictions documented. So if you are a fan of Prison Break go check her out. We are both total loathers of Jacob Black and so that is why so much misfortune falls upon him in this story. **

**I'm really, really sorry.**

**Anyways we better get on with the story... Enjoy! (Or don't. i won't blame you lol)**

**Disclaimer: I address the fact that SM owns twilight and I am not her. Otherwise Jacob Black would not exist. Or at least without incredible, fatal pain. I'm not making any money from this story and I doubt I ever will. Unles you count review as money in which - I hope so. Moving on...**

It was the perfect plan.

It was a plan that would put Jacob Black in his rightful place. A plan that would show that he, Edward Cullen was the top dog. Uh, no pun intended of course.

That's how Edward ended up, in the dead of the night, standing over a sleeping Jacob with a lighter and pair of scissors in his hand. Snip. Snip. Snip. Edward was fuelled along this trail of madness by the raunchy and inappropriate dreams that he saw in Jacob's head. Dreams that involved a certain love of his. Bella. A small part of him wondered what she would think of his actions but he quickly dismissed it… telling himself that she would understand.

It had only been a few seconds but Edward was already holding Jacobs ponytail, which he had cut from the werewolf's head. He placed it carefully in a pile on the wooden floor, and picked up a razor that he had stolen from Jacob's bathroom. Edward flicked the lighter and slowly set it all alight.

As it blazed furiously, he began to dance, a crazy vampire war dance around the flames… Traditionally this war dance was only danced around their enemy's burning bodies but Edward felt that Jacob's hair greatly symbolised that, and so dance with more enthusiasm than ever before… He also began to 'Hyah!' loudly which could be seen as rather ironic owing to the fact that he was the only one in the house without Native American origin.

Downstairs Billy awoke to the sounds of Edward dancing and 'Hyah'ing. However, he mistook the noise as Jacob 'expressing his inner Native American self' and quickly fell into a deep sleep, comforted by the sounds of this culture.

While Billy was doing the aforementioned, Edward was wondering when Jacob would wake and so listened in on his dreams, curious as to why he refused to wake up…

"I have something to tell you, Jacob," Dream-Bella admitted. "But I'm not quite sure how to tell you…"

Jacob stared at Bella. Her face was swimming in and out of focus, but he couldn't place why. He also smelt burning hair. Now that was strange…

"It's just…" Bella hesitated. "Jacob, it's just, you have to wake up."

"What?" Jacob stared. "Wake up? No, no, no, that's not what you were supposed to be telling me…" Jacob said angrily.

"What am I supposed to be telling you then?"

"I don't know! Tell me that your bloodsuckers all turned on each other and they're all dead. You've chosen me instead of him! YOU LOVE ME BELLA!" Jacob was getting hysterical. This was his dream!

AND WHY COULD HE STILL SMELL BURNING HAIR!

Edward smiled evilly. No matter what Jacob said, he knew Bella would never leave him. "_It's because I'm the bigger man. In more ways than one…_" he thought proudly, completely forgetting that fact that he was dancing round the burning remains of Jacobs hair.

'Wait, Jacob," Bella interrupted. "You think, just because this is your dream, you think that I would choose you over him. Yeah, you must be really deluded!"

Bella started to fade before Jacob's eyes. But before the dream was completely gone, she said, "Damn it Jacob, WAKE UP!"

Jacob stirred in his bed. He could STILL smell the burning hair! And where was that 'Hyah'ing sound coming from?

Jacob woke with a jolt, to see Edward Cullen dancing around a fire in the middle of his room, splashing gasoline onto a pile of… something.

"You aren't supposed to be here," Jacob stated, confused.

Edward turned around. "Jacob! How nice of you to wake up," he exclaimed. "How are you feeling?" Madness smoldered in his onyx eyes, something Jacob wasn't feeling too happy about…

Jacob sat up in his bed, wriggling back against the wall as far away from Edward's freaky eyes as he possibly could. "I feel fine… Why do you –"?

Something didn't feeling right. Then he noticed the apparent lightness of his head. He tentatively brought his hands to his scalp only to find… a few ragged locks of hair!

Jacob leapt out of bed and Edward immediately averted his eyes – a half-naked Jacob Black was definitely not a pretty sight to be seen. Plus there was a suspicious wet patch on his boxers…

"What the hell did you do with my hair you bastard?!" Jacob bellowed at a smirking Edward Cullen. Suddenly it all clicked – the burning hair smell, the smirking vampire and the blazing fire in the middle of his bedroom.

'You… you BURNT my HAIR?!" Jacob screamed hysterically while Edward chuckled evilly.

"Yes my dear little werewolf I did… consider it payback for the many felonies you have committed in your mind with my dear Bella."

With a snarl of rage Jacob smoothly transformed into his (now) mostly-bald-wolf form, the soiled boxers ripped to shreds, and flew at Edward, the two of them smashing through the window and falling down to the ground below. Jacob snarled and bit Edward while Edward threw punch after punch at the young werewolf. They didn't notice however that the burning remains of Jacob's hair had turned into a raging inferno that was quickly destroying the rest of the house. Nor did they notice Billy's screams as he lay stranded – the wheel chair in flames and a ring of fire around his bed.

Meanwhile, while Edward and Jacob were battling to the death, Jacob's house was in flames and Billy was about to meet his demise, Bella was at home fretting over certain matters that her and Edward may have to face in the near future.

She was so worried in fact that she rang the Cullen home, ready to have a nice long discussion with Edward about it. However it was Alice that picked up.

"Hi Bella."

"Alice!" Bella exclaimed. "Is – "

Alice cut her off. "No sorry Edward isn't here. He left about half and hour ago – saying something about Jacob I think. For some reason he had a pair of scissor and a lighter… but I can't see why…"

"Thanks Alice," Bella said quickly, anxious to speak with Edward. "I'll see you tomorrow alright? I'm gonna pop round and find out what he's doing."

"Sure, bye-' Alice began but Bella had already hung up.

Within five minutes Bella was dressed and on the road to La Push. Her fingers tapped the steering wheel of her new car nervously, as the speedometer crept over 100. _Stuff road rules _she thought, surprising herself. _This is our relationship on the line. _She sped past the sign welcoming her to the reservation and continued onto Jacob's house. There was an odd trail of smoke snaking up from where she thought his home was and so pressed her foot even tighter down on the pedal.

When she pulled up at Jacob's land she was surprised to see his house completely on fire and him and Edward fighting crazily in front of it.

"Edward!" she screamed as she climbed out of the car.

Edward had held the upper hand for the duration of the fight up until now. At Bella's scream he turned in surprise and Jacob took this moment to his advantage – swallowing Edward whole. Jacob burped loudly and lay on the ground in pain while his potent werewolf stomach acids disintegrated the vampire inside of him.

Bella watched in shock as the stupid, selfish and needy young werewolf swallowed her true love. Jacob (strangely) took the way her mouth opened and closed with no sound as a sign of happiness and trotted up to the stunned teenager. He transformed back to his human form… that happened to be wearing no clothes – showing certain body-parts in a way that was less than desirable. Bella screamed and covered her eyes and Jacob hugged the now traumatized girl. Bella went blue.

"It's ok, it's ok," Jacob murmured patting her on the back. "He was only a filthy bloodsucker anyways… you'll soon get over him…"

Bella pushed herself away from him. "How… How DARE YOU!" she shrieked. "Did you think that I would love YOU if you killed him? You're nothing but a filthy DOG! I will never forgive you, you hear me? NEVER!"

Jacob stood in shock, before stumbling, reaching for Bella, his arms and uh, other areas stretched out groping at her like a blind man.

'But Bella…" he said. "I…"

And then Jacob Black exploded.

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed that as much as I and my friend Jess enjoyed writing it. Please review and join us in our Jacob-hating mirth.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Hi there! Ultra sorry I didn't get this up sooner… I've had it typed up for ages but I've been uming and ahing over the ending (it's better but I still don't like it) and then there were exams and yeah. But now its school holidays and I'm going to crack down on my writing. I've fiddled with the ending so it's better than it was but I'm still not too sure about it. Anyways Enjoy!**

Standing in a puddle of Jacobs remains was Edward Cullen. He looked disgusted by the fact that he was covered in the werewolf's blood and began to remove all the guts and organs from his body. As he dropped Jacob's heart on the ground beside him he looked up to see a surprised, yet happy Bella Swan staring back at him.

"Edward!" she said happily. "Thank god you're still alive! I have something really important to ask you…"

"Really?" he said walking over to her car, he slid into the driver's seat and patted on the passengers. "Don't worry about the blood; I'll get it cleaned tomorrow. Wait tonight. It smells terrible."

"Yeah it does, doesn't it! And this is my nice top too… such a shame." Bella said closing the door behind her and buckling her seatbelt as Edward reversed away from the burning house.

"So what was it you wanted to ask me dear?" Edward said, lines of worry etching across his forehead as he stared down at his wife-to-be.

"Well you know how you're a vampire?"

"Yes…"

"And you know how vampires have no blood?"

"I don't see what you're getting at here Bella…"

"Well, it's basic biology that, well, that, well... that men need a certain amount of blood... in the right places... for them to become... how shall I put this erect."

Edward choked on air and pressed down harder on the pedal. 'Bella…" he protested weakly.

Bella flared. "Well sor-ree if I don't want our wedding night to be a disaster Mr. Know-It-All! I'm just having some problem seeing how you're going to, you know, get it up!"

"Bella… the same rules don't apply to vampires… we, oh god I can't believe I'm talking about this with _you_"

"What do you mean with me? Who would you be more comfortable talking about this with, hmm? Jasper? Emmett? Carlisle? _Mike?_"

"Bella… please you're being difficult…"

"Difficult? Yeah well I'm finding it _difficult _to see how you're going to get it up without difficulty! And by the way, I'm not being difficult. Just checking to make sure that all our equipment is in perfect working condition..."

"Bella!"

"There's nothing wrong with being curious, Edward."

"I'm taking you home."

"Edward Cullen, you are not worming your way out of this!"

"It's not my fault I don't want to listen to… theories that your overactive imagination comes up with!"

"That's it! Take me home _now!_"

"I'm taking you home now already."

"Yeah, well, do it quicker then!"

"If you insist…" Edward slammed his foot down on the pedal and they rocketed along the road to Forks at over 180 miles per hour.

"Edward!" Bella shrieked. He turned and looked at her, crooked smile and all.

"You asked me to do it faster…"

"Just… keep your eyes on the road why don't you!"

"Sure."

"By the way, how come you're still alive?"

"Eating me wasn't enough… Jacob made a fatal mistake there. I need to be _burnt _not digested."

"Oh. I see. Well I'm glad you didn't die."

"Yeah I heard."

"You… WHAT?!"

"I. Heard. Is simple English out of your grasp now too Bella?"

"I can't believe you! I mean you're half DIGESTED and you still have to eavesdrop on my conversations?"

"Of course," he grinned at her.

_Damn that crooked smile_ thought Bella angrily and she glared out the window the rest of the drive home. Much to Edward's amusement.

**AN: The 'theory' mentioned in this chapter is courtesy of one Maxine Anderson. She comes up with the theories, I extend on them. Lol. Well hope the ending wasn't too so-so for all the readers out there. I had heaps of fun writing this fic and I hope you guys had fun reading it!**

**PS If anyone really wants another chapter, or a follow up fic (there's a thought lingering on my mind) I'm going to need some persuasion. Aka REVIEWS!**


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